How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive? What good is money if it can’t inspire terror in your fellow man? I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows. Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.

The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show

Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2. Marge, just about everything’s a sin. Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom. Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Some Confidence, Stupid!” Here’s to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life’s problems. Duffman can’t breathe! OH NO!

  • Thank you, steal again.
  • I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows.
  • Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the…uh…what cures cancer?

Selma’s Choice

Stan Lee never left. I’m afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition. Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.” Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you’re experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box… Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do? Human contact: the final frontier.

Mr. Plow

…And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night. Duffman can’t breathe! OH NO! Uh, no, they’re saying “Boo-urns, Boo-urns.” Please do not offer my god a peanut. Stan Lee never left. I’m afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition. The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity…

  1. I’ll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.
  2. He didn’t give you gay, did he? Did he?!
Cape Feare

Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Some Confidence, Stupid!” Last night’s “Itchy and Scratchy Show” was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world. Look out, Itchy! He’s Irish! Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the…uh…what cures cancer? I’ll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

Life on the Fast Lane

Homer no function beer well without. When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV! Stan Lee never left. I’m afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition. Marge, just about everything’s a sin. Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom. He didn’t give you gay, did he? Did he?! A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice.

“Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion. Please do not offer my god a peanut. Slow down, Bart! My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours. Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king!